An Aussie GPS

Today as I was driving into Brisbane I started to get annoyed with the gentle dulcet tones of my GPS as she softly instructed me to ‘bear right’ or ‘enter the motorway’. She sounds like a lovely woman and is incredibly patient. Even when I am heading in the opposite direction all she says is ‘make a U turn as soon as possible’.

I started to ponder GPS’s wondering firstly why they tend to have female voices… but the answer was self explanatory so I moved on.

I started to wonder if there might be a market for a more macho navigational instrument that speaks to you like a mate would rather than like a primary school teacher to a 6 year old. Some more beefy instructions would be much more entertaining…

When driving in the right lane – ‘Get in the left lane you moron. Waddya reckon you own the *&#% road?’

When approaching lights instead of alerting you to the presence of red light cameras it could just say ‘tramp it mate! You’ll get thru!’ followed by cheering and applause that increases with the speed of the vehicle.

When you have missed your turn off – ‘crikey dipstick – what’s so difficult about turn right/left!’

When you are on a long stretch – ‘break out a beer mate. This is gunna take a while.’

Perhaps like today when the maps loaded on the GPS are out of date and you are driving round the city swearing at the stupid machine it could be programmed to give a bit back…

Whatever the case – surely we can make GPS driving more interesting than it is at present…

Rant over…

11 thoughts on “An Aussie GPS

  1. Hamo – unbelievable that you post on almost the exact topic of conversation in my office this morning!

    We were discussing the various voices available not only for GPS but also for technology available to people with vision impairment.

    We have already started looking into an ‘okker’ GPS voice development.

  2. I’ve got a mental picture of a Ted Bullpit voice…

    “Someone should blow (whatever) up!”

    “Not the Kingswood!”

    Or Darrel Kerrigan…

    A long stretch: “How’s the serenity?”

    Maybe a touch of Uncle Arthur. Couldn’t guarantee you’ll get where you want, but it would be interesting…

  3. I’ve got John Cleese on mine. “You have now arrived at your destination. I am not going to carry your luggage in. You are now on your own”.

    He also says ” yes,we are using metres now thanks to that little b….. Napoleon”.

  4. I thought you could download MrT. “What you doin’ now fool?” But agree with you an okker would be best. “What didnja unerrstand about turn right ya drongo?’ And for that serene stretch, “Av a go at ut? Ya wouldn’t be dead for quids!”

  5. Let’s extend this application to the auto-voices on answering machines and Telstra’s “101 service”. Those crisp automated female voices are enough to drive me batty.

    But in terms of the GPS, what we need is the voice of a nice chumpy ‘Shazza’ delivering a few no-nonsense lines of advice:

    1. “Weren’t you LISTENING?! Turn L-E-F-T ya meathead! Too late now…”

    2. “Any slower and you’ll be overtaken by a snail on Rohypnol!”

    3. “Boofhead! Now where ya gunna park?!”

    A nice abrasive mix of insult and disdain would characterise the voices/phrases of the truly Australian GPS.

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