Remembering and Realising

Grief is so spectacularly ordinary

As common as dust

Ever present in every day

If you choose to see

If you want to know…

As silent as breath

It festers in your neighbourhood

Its feral pulse never welcome

Its relentless pursuit exhausting

Brutal assaults begin afresh each day

Silent sinister voices enveloping

Whispering destruction

Affirming the utter pointlessness of 

Everything

—-

To grieve is to wake each day

Only to remember what will not be

To make breakfast

While images scroll on the digital frame

Joyous times 

Now singed with sorrow

Callous reminders of what was – and

Never will be again

Lunch in Fremantle (with you)

Holidays in Bali (with you)

A surfless surf (with you) that Christmas at our local

Where we three still managed

To share one lumpy wave 

For a few laughter filled seconds

Of family fun

I remember… 

With a smile

—-

Until it strikes me

Once more with blunt force

We won’t do any of these things again

They held no great value on the day

No special significance at all

But now they are savoured

Mused on

Bitter and beautiful mingled together

Because now they are all we have

Fond recollections of times we shared

Agonising memories of joy

In the simple act of remembering 

We realise

That this is what is left of you

Shards of memory 

Just enough to make us bleed

A comfort that tortures

But a pain we will endure

To savour the joy of the recollection

—-

Now you appear in playlists

Your songs speak your voice

Ruminations

Provocations

Observations 

Social media memories

Sometimes inane and trivial

Other times harrowing 

In their reminder of loss

Conversations with friends

Proffer quirky memories 

Of times shared

Notes you scribbled on your computer 

Not expecting anyone would ever read

Are a part of you we now encounter afresh 

A balm when the pain takes us down

Or sometimes a stabbing jolt

Just when we had started to heal


No longer will you call while driving

Ranting angrily, at the crazies around you

‘What is wrong with you dude!?’

Nor will we wonder if you & Cosi are coming home for the weekend

But, oh we will wonder, but only for a moment

Of course you aren’t

We wont hear another word 

About the pile of dog turds that accumulated outside your bedroom window 

Allowing you to fart freely 

And attribute the blame elsewhere

Creepy Christians doing obscene things in Jesus name

Will not be called out with such offense

Or maybe they still will…

I hope we may be responsible for helping you 

Continue to raise your fist at such nonsense

We won’t lament the injustice of the world together

Although your pain 

At other’s suffering will always remain with us

We won’t wrestle demons together

Tussle with dodgy theology

Nor dream 

Of futures you and Cosi would share

—-

Because you are dead

Yes dead

A harsh word

Like a clanging cymbal

It has no nuance

Possesses no manners

But is raw foul reality

A stench that now infests our lives

And can only be tolerated

Never excised

Dead 

1 thought on “Remembering and Realising

  1. Love this. having lost my wife 7 years ago, its helpful to acknowledge it verbally to remind myself. My dream life is not so connected to reality, however, and i had very confusing dreams. But last night I dreamt that I was with mates and a woman walked by and looked a lot like my late wife and dressed like her so we stopped her and all of us were showing her photos on our phones. I am glad my dreams are catching up to reality.

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