With What Remains

Around a BBQ at our home a conversation started with a friend the other night about age. She is turning 40 this year. It seems many of my friends are now in this category… I think the word people use is ‘old’.

I mentioned that this year I am 49 and next year 50, which just seems weird. Who’d have thought I could ever turn 50? I remember thinking of 50 year olds as people in a queue for a funeral. Now I am one of them… and I don’t see it like that any more oddly…

My friend asked me ‘so what do you hope to do with what remains of your life?’

I chuckled because it felt like a question you should ask of someone terminally ill. But I also  found myself saying ‘I want to get to know God better’, (which sounds kinda pious and noble) except that as I said that I felt in my gut ‘yep – that’s it. I WANT to do that. I really want that.’

Not in a know about God, understand theology better kinda way, but in a ‘I really think this matters more than anything’ kind of way. As I began to speak of it I said that I don’t want to be one of those people who approaches death with dread, fear and trepidation. I am sure the unknown will hold some of that. But I want to be one those people who is so genuinely connected with God, that I am able to anticipate what lies ahead with joy – that I long for what is to come.

I haven’t felt this way much before. I certainly didn’t feel like it at 30. There was too much world to conquer and not enough time to do it in.

But as I spoke those words the other night I felt I articulated something that has been gestating in my soul for a while now – a genuine longing to know God better – perhaps in a new way? I’m not even sure quite what I mean and in some ways words are a little inadequate to describe what I feel.

But I’ve been conscious that at times I get a sniff of a life that could be and I want to chase it. I get a glimpse of a life filled with greater peace, contentment and joy than I currently know and I believe that has much to do with how I choose to connect with God.

So, part of the journey this year is to make time to connect better – to put some practices in place that create space in my world and give this intention a chance of becoming an action. There is nothing wild and crazy, but some simple things shaped by a sense of intent that I am hopeful with be productive.

I doubt it will happen this year, but perhaps at 60 I will look back on this post and observe that I actually made some choices that formed my future and my own identity differently.

And if I’m still blogging at 70 or 80 (and I don’t see why I wouldnt be)  I’ll let you know what I have discovered…

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