I’m getting used to shedding tears in public places.

Last week at Elixer cafe as Danelle and I had lunch and talked about Sam and what we were missing we both found our eyes brimming. In church on Sunday we sang a song that he loved to sing and I quietly dabbed my eyes as I caught a memory-glimpse of him deep in worship. I had coffee with my friend Ed last week and we talked about Sam it was with tears in my eyes. This is who I am now.

A number of friends have invited us out for coffee, some who are close and others who we don’t know so well and they have asked us how we are going. Again, tears are almost inevitable. I neither seek them nor restrain them. They are just part of our way of being now. The ‘grief wound’ has scabbed over a little but it only takes a bump or a scratch to draw blood again. And so tears roll.

A son is missed and so many situations are ‘fixable’, but this one simply has no solution. Today I scanned thru my computer looking for a file I needed to send to a friend and I saw a folder simply called Sam – one of the various places we store videos or pics of him. My fingers doubled clipped on a scratchy 4 second moment of him rock hopping out of the surf, long hair straggling down his back while he laughed. One video was enough to take my breath away again. I didn’t click on any other videos – not today.

The reality is still terrible – still utterly unimaginable… I wonder ‘how we are going’ now and I’m still not sure how to answer that. It is over 18 months now since he died, but it seems he is thought of now more than ever.

A friend said to me recently ‘it is said that we die twice – the first time when we have our physical death – and the second when no one mentions our name – when we are forgotten.’

Thank you to those who continue to mention his name and to ask that one simple question that opens the door, ‘how are you going?’